On a different note:

I am rereading There is No Me Without You ... and although I didn't think it could impact me any harder then it did the first time through, I was very wrong. I think I haven't been sleeping well thinking of the kids. I think I cried the first time but I don't think I sobbed. I don't think I felt that pain of Eskendir as he said goodbye to his son. Ugggghhh. Hard to describe in words. Maybe because I have this three year old now and I can't even begin to imagine her being alone in the world, grieving and fighting to survive at the same time ...Well I guess the difference now is that I can imagine it. The book was describing things that happened at the same time I was in Ethiopia getting Lucy, caught up in my own world of bonding and attachment, cherishing the gift of motherhood. I think I was still on that high the first time I read the book. My heart was still shielded. It's so much more open now. Not just to the tragedies described in the book but also the beauty and strength of Ethiopia. I feel more external now. It's time to start planning, scheming, dreaming a return.

Saturday

ahhhh good days ...

today Lucy was really really balanced. It almost threw ME off balance to sort of float (flit) from one activity to another sans negotiation, irrationality, dysfunction etc. Even did her hair, got nothing from her. No, she doesn't have a high fever and she is not on benedryl or any other depressant.

We went to swim lessons today. To the casual observer Lucy might have appeared to be a highly active, ants-in-pants slightly nonconformist beautiful three year old. To me, she was perfect ... waited for her turn, did mostly what she was supposed to do ... wonderful. The greatness carried on, walking to the car, eating brunch, walking back to the car, falling asleep in the car, staying asleep for awhile at home, playing outside, going back inside, getting redressed, and the list goes on and on and on.

Thank you Lucy!!!!

yummmy

our friend Mindy found this recipe. We made it last night. The verdict??? THUMBS WAY UP!

It's so easy ... (the batter tastes terrible, but it IS amusing to watch someone taste it and well ...)
I'd have to say it must be rich in fiber and some vitamins ... so we had one for breakfast this morning ..

Chocolate Muffins
1 box of Devils Food cake mix unprepared
1 can of pure pumpkin (not the pumpkin filling) (we used a 16 oz can)
Mix 2 ingredients until moist; batter will be thick and may be tempting to add something to it, but don't .
Put in muffin pan (makes 12) and cook for approximately 20 mins at 400 degrees.

Dear Lily

Lily, I totally get you. I want a dog too. I have two cats and love them like you love your bunny but still it's not exactly the same. I mean who takes a cat/bunny for a romp in the park? I also think a dog would be a lot happier then a cat/bunny if I wanted to lay my head on him while watching tv. I don't have to get my parent's permission to get a dog but I have to get the permission of my finances and my time. At least you and I are going into this deal with our eyes open right? You understand dog behavior and you have a plan for how to deal with it and I understand dog expenses and time needs and haven't quite figured out that plan. Actually I think you're ahead of me in this game Lily. We can still call it a race, whichever one of us gets a dog first has to send the other one a signed photo of the dog, so the dogless one can at least have a photo until such a time that our dogs can play together in my backyard during the August picnic hmmm ...

Auntie Jen's return from the bar and Lucy's return from the land of the sick

Tonight was a good night. Grandma stayed one extra day so Lucy could have another day off of the germ pool. We met grandpa for dinner and when we got home Auntie Jen was here! The photos are of Lucy's non pj outfit (first in a few days) and of Lucy and Auntie Jen "texting" and watching American Idol.

Sunday

I think we've caught up with the majority of Lucy's woes. This was fairly record timing here as she didn't get "hit hard" until Thursday afternoon and is currently almost normal this Sunday afternoon. She's taking a nap now which should help with some of the fatique related issues (irrational mood swings). Keeping her inside and at home seems to be helping with everything but the mental health.

Here are two photos, one from yesterday during her "I got sick with my hair free and now mama is real scared to get in there and fix it, plus I have this very creative outfit on" stage and the other from today "tame hair tame outfit napping child" stage.

Tonight ...

Things already seem a little bit better but no holding my breath here, I am well aware of the wicked way bacteria and viruses take hold of Lucy's little body, they like it in there. She was miserable all day. My parents were with her a lot of the day and the evening too. I took her to the doctor and saw her between appointments and events. Right now it's 10:30 pm and the girl is still awake in her room but her fever is down and she's been eating and drinking this evening. I'll still set my alarm and check on her when her motrin wears off as I don't want the fever to set in so solid. I hope she's on the mend. The doctor is really pushing having her tonsils out soon as well as "re"removal of those amazing regrowing adenoids. She (the pediatrician) was shocked at how huge Lucy's tonsils were. She is on antibiotics starting today. I made an ENT appointment for the end of February. Well wishes and prayers are always very welcome, thanks so much for everyone's concern.

Once again ...

my little lucy is struck down with severe congestion and a fever that motrin won't crack. 102 now and an hour and a half until she's due for another dose.

Hello Mr President

What a historic hopeful day!!!! The possibilities feel endless and the energy is rising. I feel like FINALLY we have a president in office who is willing to use history as a way of learning how to move forward.

On a different note, yesterday my hit counter reached the 100,000 mark. I can't remember when I added it to this blog but it sure feels like a milestone to see it turn over like that. I love keeping this blog, it provides an outlet for me and a manner of socializing that as a single mom I really really need. I also can look back to see what Lucy was doing when, like a babybook.

Lucy is struggling right now staying on top of this "cold" she has. I worry that it's might be getting alittle out of hand and we'll find ourselves hitting the nebulizar and maybe some antibiotics soon. Her eyes were very drippy today and I hear her snoring away in her room. Please let this be the peak of it so that we do not need to use either the neb or the antibiotics.

The photos are of her "waiting" for her doctor to join us in the exam room. Lucy secured the doctor's gloves within moments of entering Gillette.

Sometimes it's hard

sometimes it's hard to get the kid and the camera to behave at the same time. I think they should make a point and shoot camera whose lens shutter thingy automatically cleans the lens each time you shut it off. Camera makers of the world you can steal my idea and use it as your own ..

Lucy goes to see the foot doctor tomorrow. She is sooooo excited. She thinks he'll be like her regular pediatrician and she is really excited about the following things:

1. gloves

2. telling the doctor she's drinking her water

3. hearing babies crying from getting "poked"

4. not getting poked

5. gloves

Musings from the land of little nod ...

Hi, My name is Stacy and I stayed up most of last night listening to Lucy breathe. At about 6:30 a.m. I came to the surface with a start as I heard no snoring from her room. What should I do??? If I go in there it will certainly wake her up ... but I can't just not do anything. Is it already too late? Shut up I tell myself, your're insane, no wonder the cosmos is making it impossible for you to have more then one child ... you'd die from too much crazy worry. What is that noise? Is it breathing, gurgleing ... crap now I have to go to the bathroom...

Turns out she was just fine. Fiesty as all get out this morning but she was breathing well. I know J (momma to little P) can relate ... sorry momma but that RSV you're dealing with, it's effects will go on and on and on ... Lucy's pediatrician thought that maybe by this winter's end her lungs/airways will have grown enough to be able to handle colds in a more normal fashion. We've actually had a good winter so far.

This morning I had a conference at Lucy's preschool. I guess she's doing great. She is much more regulated now then she was in September and the teachers no longer are on special Lucy lookout duty. Whew. She's on the normal spectrum in terms of behavior. I think she's doing good at school cuz she gets all her sass and defiance out at home. I would rather she do this at home then at school though so A+ to you Lucy-Lu ... A+

Here are a couple photos from her preschool family night last night. Good night.

What is wrong with me?

All day long I see Lucy as this INCREDIBLY strong-willed, energetic force of nature (and she is all of these things). The energy this kids spends defying me almost blows my mind. It's no wonder that at bedtime she pretty much goes from gabbing/dancing to full blown snore in (hardly any exaggeration) 5 minutes flat.

So why is it that once the house is quiet and my body starts falling asleep ... I hear those apnea gasps, and the snoring, and most recently the intense fits of coughing and I start having crazy thoughts that maybe she'll actually quit breathing.

For the 2nd night in a row I've given her a cough medicine. All of these years of sinus infections, congestion and coughing and I have religiously avoided those medicines because the pediatricians stopped recommending them, and said they don't work. Last night I broke down, we were loosing way too much sleep and I thought I could tell that the cough was a spastic post nasal drip cough.

I gave it to her again tonight, after she started the intense coughing around 1/2 hour ago. I held her until she was done coughing. Now I worry, what if the coughing was important to the breathing.

Yup, maybe If I start reading Twilight again it'll take my mind off of the kid in the next room. Hmmmm

Can you imagine ...

2 1/2 years, loving on your child, raising your child all the while not truly knowing if the unforgiving process would ever allow you to take your child home???? Erin and her family certainly know the pain and emotions of all of this but after over two years of a very mixed-up process, after moving to another country to be a family while the officials threw up obstacle after obstacle THEY ARE HOME!!!!!!!

Congratulations ... welcome home ... and enjoy breathing and a certain future together!

Bitter Cold ...

For my readers outside of the midwest I need to share that it's very very cold here ... cold for even here, like well below zero and breezy. Just had to share.

Today Lucy experienced a consequence in the form of ZERO morning tic-tacs. I was proud of me and actually proud of her (eventually) that we stuck to our guns on this consequence.

This morning Lucy was being quite oppositional, defiant, angry, violent, annoying etc etc. Finally I said "do it again and NO TIC TACS FOR YOU" and of course she did it (can't remember what). She immediately started straightening up and complying and saying "now can i have a tic tac?" I said nope, not now but if you hold it together now you can have tic tacs after school. I fully expected her to fall out, tantrum, spit whatever but guess what ... she totally didn't.

She got her snowsuit on, her mittens her boots got in the car (and I was SOOOO tempted to give her those tictacs early) as she climbed into the car she was muttering to herself "climb in good and you'll get tic tacs after school".

I picked her up this afternoon and she ran up to me saying "I was a good friend, can I have tic tacs?"

I mean, all of this for the 1 1/2 calorie 1 1/2 hour breath mint??????

Tonight ...

tonight Lucy fell asleep in my arms watching American Idol reruns. It was really really sweet. She spent 1/2 hour wiggling and talking and wiggling and talking. I was about to take her to her room to read books and she asked me to rub her back (really she said: "It's ok if you rub my back" as she pulled up her shirt). I had some vicks out so I used that and after about 30 seconds she was snoring away so of course I had to rock for a bit longer with my sleeping baby in my arms. I keep wondering when will be the very last time she falls asleep in my arm ... will it be tonight, was that it??? That's why we kept rocking so I could hold on to her as long as possible.

Sunday

The weekend went wicked fast.

she loves me she loves me not

today

Lucy: momma you are NOT my best friend

Me: why not?

Lucy: I am JUST trying to keep you safe and healthy!

my thoughts: really Lucy, I thought you were trying to make me insane and tired

In her defense, I was really really boring today AND I did her hair twice (once was the braid take-down and the other time was the wash and put back up) she did not appreciate either event.

Thursday

Lucy to older man at store: "are you david cook?"

Lucy to same man: "do you like mccain?"

Man to me: "you should really get her to open up and be more out going :)"

yeah.

I took some photos of her on the phone this morning. I didn't realize how geekish her outfit looked or how much schmuck was on her face ... sheesh ... the camera doesn't lie.

Light

While it's sucky to be back at work after two fun weeks of festivities, going to the zoo (during the week day when you can actually move around) and staying in pj's all day we are trying to move forward.

It helps that the ladies in the Chicago area arranged a fabulous trip to the Wisconsin Dells early in February for cheap cheap cheap!

We're only going one night, and it's only one day off of work/school but it's still an adventure and we are sooooo looking forward to it!

See you soon Jayme and family, Diane and family, and hopefully Katie and family and Nancy and family ...

Work tomorrow

I have to go back to work tomorrow and I don't WANNNNAAAAAAAAAA! Here are some photos and a small video from the past couple days. Don't worry Diane I put a quarter in her future therapy jar!

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com