you know how they say "the dance of attachment" or "attachment is a process not necessarily a destination"?? After 5+ years I finally get it. Yup. I get it. It was really easy, the attachment dance (for me) at the beginning. I held her, I fed her, I changed her, I rocked her and she accepted it. She couldn't run away, say nasty things, wipe off my kisses or give me nasty looks. Ahhhh I thought, this is the life. As she grew, I had tinges of fear (almost every day) that something maybe was wrong. She never had much stranger anxiety, in fact she just LOVED strangers. Occasionally she would ease my fears by clinging to me or crying for me but for the most part I had an independent young woman on my hands. When she was three she entered the mom hating stage (she's advanced!). Lord I thought I might not make it through that year. At four I was just relieved that she wasn't three anymore.
At 5, duh, I realized that this whole time I have been looking to Lucy's behaviors as indicators of positive attachment signs. UH, like any relationship it takes two to tango and whammo I woke up. Here's the thing, parenting, especially parenting kids with histories of trauma (like being removed from birth family, culture, cared for in an orphanage) is not for the wussy. I was a wuss. I admit it. Here she was, a young child looking to her mom for some direction on how to proceed with the relationship at hand and her "leader" was all like 'hey you're 2 years old, show me how to relate'.
At least I didn't realize this when she was 15.
So here we are 5 years later and I finally feel like I have a grip. I love her the way I always should have, I love the whole her. I don't spend my time searching her eyes for attachment issues, I spend my time relating to her and showing her how to relate. I spend my time enjoying her. I ache for her so much more because instead of seeing this kid who is rejecting me, defying me and manipulating me I see this young person who is anxious, who is immature and who needs acceptance and gentle guidance in navigating the world.
A couple nights a week, we've been back in the rocking chair (her request) and she's been falling asleep in my arms. What a gift.
I am attached to my daughter!
12 comments:
Well written! Sounds like you are a great mother to her, continue like that!
Wow. I just read my biography. And my daughter's. We are almost 4 (in a couple more days) and I'm banging my head into the wall. I've been playing the attachment dance and every time she "hates" on me, I feel guilty about our relationship. So maybe it's time to let that go. After 3 years of being home and going back and forth on the attachment continuum, maybe I just need to let go. I've often wondered when I would stop worrying that everything was adoption related and just get on with life. Thanks!
Question - maybe you can do a post on this if you've found it's been an issue. Has Lucy had much grief over not having a dad? That is our present state of torment right now (I'm a single mom, too). Although we have lots of positive male role models, my daughter is having a very difficult time with not having a dad. Just wondered (since your daughter is SO MUCH like mine) if you've experienced this.
This speaks to a special spot in me. A spot that knows and smiles for you two.
That is really profound. I think your words just sparked something in me that will make me a better parent. Seriously. Thank you.
And THIS is why I look up to you as a role model of a mother. Seriously, Stacy, You're AMAZING.
Beautifully written. This post really spoke to my heart and mind. Not only does Lucy remind me of my 4 year old, I'm also learning how to "relax" and not worry so much about our attachment status.
Thank You!
Mmmmmm, this post is So Sweet!
We are a year behind you and I have always read your pages for inspiration. My little one seems to be a kindred spirit with Lucy. I especially love this post. Thank you. From another single mom.
So an honest question...how do you know the difference between attachment issues and just normal kid stuff? I don't have any kids but adoption fascinates me, like when I become a real adult with a real job, rather then a 31 year old college student, I would want to adopt. But how do you know if it is just normal growing up or some attachment issue?
Kristy
magnificent insight. Thank you so much for sharing.
Thank you for the post.
I think a lot of AP overthink attachment issues.
Lucy is going to be fine; fierce, loyal and happy. :)
Enjoy your week...
Sen
Thanks for writing this. Ladybug has been home for over 4 years now and I am just now realizing that we have been doing the attachment dance without realizing it. My lightbulb moment came late in the game but I hope to face it head on just liek you did.
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